I have made enough mistakes in my life to understand that they’re really hard to deal with. At rare points in the past, I did something wrong and was able to apologize quickly. This seemed to be the easiest scenario. In most cases, I would either be too stubborn to admit I’m wrong, unable to understand a different perspective or apologize when the damage has already been done. I would say that it wasn’t until I was 20 years old that I understood my position in any argument. I am not a supernatural being and, as such, I can’t control how people feel or react.
What I can control though is how I respond to these situations and how I process my emotions. Before reading the rest of this article, remember, the first part of moving forward is understanding that some mistake was made. We aren’t time travelers, and we definitely can’t change the past. We are humans though, which means we can change our future.
Understanding Mistakes Were Made
Whether it’s my fault or someone else’s, we must acknowledge that there’s a mistake that needs to be fixed. After all, we can’t fix a problem that isn’t recognized as one. As easy as this sounds, it actually becomes tricky. People tend to recognize that a mistake happened but quickly shift all the blame onto someone else. Before doing this, I do an internal check to take accountability for any possible role I took in the situation. The goal of this exercise is to assess ourselves fairly. If I shift the blame more, I should look more at myself. If I naturally take most of the blame, I should look at the actions of other people more.
Once I decide who actually deserves blame from my perspective, it’s time to bring it up with the other people in the altercation. Our perspective matters but so does everyone else’s! I recommend listening with the intent of hearing their side. First, listen to where both stories intersect. Then, look at where both sides differ. If done in this fashion, it becomes easier to find common ground and identify any misunderstandings. It’s easy to agree in areas of common ground, and most arguments happen within the sphere of misconceptions.
Clarifying Misunderstandings
We play one of two roles when dealing with misunderstandings. We are either the clarifier or the listener. When we play the role of a clarifier, we have a strong grasp of the situation and whose at fault. It is the clarifier’s job to explain the proper facts to whoever is a misunderstanding. If we don’t have a firm understanding of the situation, then we would likely play the role of the listener. It seems pretty explanatory, but it can definitely be the more difficult role of the two.
Emotional turbulence can make the role tough. It requires patience and an open mind which can be tough. Sometimes, my mouth is itching to speak, but telling myself that I would want someone to listen to me helps me stay composed. I would want to be heard. Treat people as you would want to be treated. Mastering these two roles and knowing when to play them will help you and the other person come to terms with what actually happened as opposed to the perspective seen through emotion-colored glasses.
These two roles allow us to find the middle ground faster and remove a lot of the fluff that can come from manipulation, gaslighting, or even straight-up lying. Once misunderstandings are cleared, we should take time to acknowledge someone who should take accountability for the mistake.
Accepting Whose Fault It Is
It isn’t easy to take accountability for anything, to be honest! In my opinion, it’s not hard to admit when I’m wrong. Most arguments in our lives are with people we care for. Therefore, the point of having an argument isn’t to start problems. The point is for both sides to learn and grow! This is the root of “why we started arguing in the first place,” but this idea often gets lost in the sea of emotions. People on both sides will get swept up in the thick of the argument, rubbed the wrong way, and forget that the whole point is to grow.
In order to make acceptance easier, I not only remind myself of this idea. I understand that most arguments don’t have to be a “you vs me” situation. Instead, imagine if you and these people objectively talked about a sunset or the ocean. In this image, the sunset or ocean represents the argument. It’s a lot easier to explain what we’re seeing when nothing is blocking our vision.
What If They Don’t Want To Apologize?
In a perfect world, every person would admit when they’re wrong. So, what do we do in our world which is very much not perfect? If the “they” in this statement is in reference to myself or you, we have more control than if someone else is at fault. When we’re at fault, we can do something about the state of the argument. We have the choice to continue the conversation or to admit we were wrong and move forward. In a way, we claim a lot of power when we grow to have higher levels of self-accountability. We become better at knowing when we are actually at fault or if someone is trying to blame us.
We learn how to be okay with making mistakes ourselves. Accountability helps grow our emotional maturity and makes unpleasant situations easier to navigate through. We have all these tools at our disposal during an argument, yet most of us don’t use them. It’s okay to make mistakes! It’s also okay to say that we didn’t make all of the mistakes in a situation. We should admit to our own wrongdoings, but in the same gravity, be adamant that others’ wrongdoings aren’t ours to bear.
What Do I Do When Someone Doesn’t Admit That They’re Wrong?
While we can take control of situations that involve our own strength in accountability, we cannot do as much for the opposite situation. People around the world will have different levels of accountability, emotional maturity, and intelligence. As such, we should think about these characteristics and any other qualities that may be involved in how the conversation plays out. We don’t have control over how people can feel as emotions are theirs and theirs alone.
However, we do have control over how we make them feel. How we enunciate our voice, the tone we use, and how we phrase our statements. These are all things that affect the overall story and the perception we give to other people. When we are able to keep our emotions in check and portray the picture we’re trying to create properly, it becomes incredibly easy to receive a similar response.
The Shopper Scenario
Let’s imagine the following scenario. Imagine an angry shopper opens an argument by yelling at you. If we worked at the store, we would try to speak in a calming tone which may even be received as condescending by the shopper. This can be upsetting for us especially if work is already draining! We may even contemplate the rationality of the shopper since we are calm, and they are seen as unreceptive, unlogical, and uncooperative. So what should we think?! We’ve already tried the calm method what else can I do?! In times like this, there’s a phrase I like to tell myself which keeps my emotions, rationality, and accountability in check so that I don’t escalate the situation.
Everyone has something difficult to deal with in their life.
We don’t have to believe that someone else’s life is harder than yours. First, there’s no point in competing for who has the worse life. Second, we only need to acknowledge that at this moment, someone is having a worse day than we are. I’m able to say this with confidence because, in this situation, we have not lost control of our emotions yet. We haven’t thrown accountability and rationality out the window and with that is power.
What To Take From The Shopper Scenario
We obtain the ability to control the course of the conversation while the shopper can only follow the flow of it, fueled by the heat of the moment and swept in the tide of emotion. Since we have access to rational thinking, we also have access to making rational decisions. The particular decision we need to make is to choose what direction we want the conversation to go in. Do we want to guide the shopper toward a calmer and more peaceful ending or will we assume that the person is just another irrational, rude, and unresponsive shopper?
Do we choose to find an ending that benefits both parties or do we continue to clash until one side uses an unfair precedent such as the power of authority to end the conversation in a dictatorial manner? I think we should lean towards the positive answers to this question. There are so many toxic negative things in this world. We don’t need any more than we already have. In being compassionate, we find scenarios where the shopper can leave in a better mood than they entered the situation in, and we, as the store employee, feel less prone to being grumpy.
We avoid the classic scenario of dealing with something tough at work, depreciating our day, then complaining about it to coworkers, friends, or even family. Opposed to the win-win situation, if we choose the negative option, it takes more time and energy out of our day than we think.
Post At A Glance
I like to create this last section for anyone who may have a busy day and doesn’t have the time to read the whole article yet! To summarize, everyone can make mistakes, but we should never forget that we can choose our response to the situation. For whatever situation you’re dealing with, I’m sure you will find a solution that gives you that “win-win” situation. Just keep moving forward and remind yourself that we always have a choice. As always, here’s a key takeaway from the article:
We only need to acknowledge that at this moment, someone is having a worse day than we are. I’m able to say this with confidence because, in this situation, we have not lost control of our emotions yet. We haven’t thrown accountability and rationality out the window and with that is power.
– Joemer
Have a great day!! If you want to see more articles by me, check out the home page or my Twitter!